Discipline

I'm not what I would call a naturally disciplined person.  Nor was I raised to be a particularly disciplined person.   That's not meant to disparage my upbringing - I was surrounded by very loving and wonderful, but often indulgent parents and grandparents.

Oh, I was raised by A LOT of adults so I should probably back this up a bit.

My mom was a single mom who worked two-three jobs at a time for the first nine years of my life.  We lived next door to my grandparents, great-aunt, and great-grandmother who all lived in the same house.  We had that big loud and boy-do-we-love-our-carbs Polish immigrant family thing going on. Being next door to each other also meant that I had two houses for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Lucky me!

So, I pretty much had 5 grown-ups parenting me at all times.  There's a lot of good, and a lot of not-so-good in that.  You know that saying about too many cooks in the kitchen spoiling the broth?  Yeah, it can also spoil the kid.

I was the youngest grandchild and quite precocious.  I was expected to be a good student and a "good girl" and I was both of those things, but beyond that?  I was spoiled with a lot of things and a lot of food and not a lot of responsibility because those 5 loving adults loved to do things FOR me.  If there was something I didn't want to do anymore - girl scouts, choir, whatever - then I didn't need to do them anymore.  If I just HAD to have a certain designer something or other, I pretty much got it. No one ever said, "Jen, you've probably had enough candy today kid - might want to slow that down."   If one adult did tell me no, I had four more to pick from to get a yes.


My grandfather really spoiled me with food -Grandpa and I loved to eat together.  Bedtime snacks of grilled cheese sandwiches made with at least three different types of cheeses were typically followed by a big mug of hot cocoa - made with whole milk, of course.  Or the wonderful popcorn made on the stove top in oil and topped with an entire stick of butter!  Paula Deen had nothin' on Grandpa Charlie!  And then there were all the pizza, donuts, cookies, butter pecan ice cream, fried bologna sandwiches, peanut butter cups, etc.  I went grocery shopping with grandpa every week - the trip would start with a slice of pizza  they sold at the front of the store, and end with a brownie in the bakery at the back.

I really hope this doesn't sound like I am blaming my family for my lack of discipline.  I'm just trying to explain my reality and what shaped me as a person.  I had a good childhood loaded with love and good memories. All of these loving adults taught me many wonderful things - to be kind and fair, to value education, to be open-minded, to be a loyal friend, to have a good sense of humor and enjoy life - but self-discipline and delayed gratification wasn't something expected of me and I was indulged far too much. That's just a fact.

And like I said, my nature doesn't help.  As I can clearly see with my own kids, nature does have a lot to do with self-discipline.

My lack of self-discipline and not even thinking about what I wanted MOST, being only concerned with what I wanted NOW and usually getting it  has caused me some trouble.  My struggle with my weight being the most obvious, and the focus of this blog.

I am going to say something that might piss off some people and many probably don't agree with,  but I know it's true for me.   If you are struggling with a significant weight problem, maybe it's true for you too.  Maybe not.

I was morbidly overweight because I was pretty darn immature.  I got there because I wanted what I wanted NOW.  It tastes so good; I should be able to have it, and have as much of it as I want!  It makes me feel good when I eat it! It's not fair...waaaah!

I KNOW there are other issues that lead to overeating, binging and having a significant weight problem.  Lord knows.....I know!  But for ME- when all the layers are stripped away - and I am just a grown-up responsible for myself  and my actions - being morbidly overweight mostly came down to an undisciplined, almost infantile way I viewed satiety and physical activity.

What do you want most?  What are you willing to give up to get it? 

Maybe what you really want most it is to eat what you went when you want any time you want, and not have to think about it.  That's fine.  Embrace it.  But then you need to be prepared with all that may come with it. 

But maybe what you want most is to be healthy.  To look good and be comfortable.  I'm not not talking about comfortable in your own skin - that can be at any size - I'm talking physically comfortable in heat, humidity, while doing certain activities, etc.  I'm talking being comfortable and able to engage in activities that you might not be able to do right now. Maybe you want to ride a roller coaster with your kids and not be afraid that you won't fit.  Maybe you want to sit on an airplane without crowding the person next to you or needing a seat belt extender.  Maybe you want to be able to shop for clothing in ANY store and not just relegate yourself to shopping for accessories.  Maybe what you want most is to be around as long as possible - for as much as you can control - for your kids and grand kids.  To not be a burden to those kids and grand kids in your old age due to an unhealthy lifestyle that might catch up with you sooner or later.

Can you say no to some of the  things you want now - a nap rather than a workout?  a bag of Doritos rather than some carrot sticks and hummus? vegging out in front of the TV? - to work towards what you want most?

I am NOT perfect with this.  If I was I wouldn't still be struggling to reach my goal almost two years after I started this journey.  I wouldn't still be 40lbs away.

But I finally understand the importance of self-discipline and long-term thinking for me on this journey, and in life, really.  I'm a work in progress. I will mess up.  I will fall and give in to my inner child - the one who stomps her foot and demands the cookie.  The one who indulges and has someone in her head who will always tell her "that's OK, honey - have what you want.  You deserve it!"

But I've matured, and the idea of what I want most has matured with me. I'm making daily choices that prove I'm disciplined enough to get there.  I will never give up working toward that goal. The shiny, tempting, temporary things have been put in their proper perspective. 

No matter your history.  No matter your nature.  It really all does come down to choice.  Figure out what you want most, and make the choices that will make that happen.  If you fail in the short-term, so what.  Brush it off.  Move forward.

Achieving what you want most is worth the sacrifice.